I’m not sure other people have this – I suspect you do. Not everyone has it – but, there must be a sizable portion of the population of the world that does.

I’m never really that fucking happy.

Sure I have great times… times where I lose myself in what I’m doing – usually watching my daughter do something for the first time, or something I find amazing. I lose myself in exercise often. I lose myself in writing and the stories I create sometimes. Probably I lose myself in music more than anything else.

But you know what I noticed?

I’m never backflipping, tongue-wagging, ecstatic and manic-happy anymore.


The reality of life. The harshness of it. The rat-race of it, has really hit me over the last ten years or so. I’ve been reality checked a few dozen times over these past ten years. Had my ass handed to me on occasion.

I’ve spent big hours contemplating the fucked nature of god and what he’s done here. This game. It’s not unfathomable. It’s easy to see the truth of things after I’ve ditched my early brainwashing. I can see what the game is… the game is very clear now… but, what isn’t clear of course – is the why.

That’s what is hanging over my head all the time when I’m having fun. I’m able to get just so high – and that’s it. Maybe it’s 80% of what it was when I was a child and life was bliss – you know?

I remember laughing with my sister and brother until I couldn’t breathe and I wondered – is my stomach going to unclench so I can get a goddamned breath here – or what? WTF? Who made breathing like this?

Or it goes the other way… I’m laughing so hard that I feel like I’m going to piss myself. I have to restrain myself so I don’t piss my own pants laughing. My sister would often let go – totally unable to contain her glee – and piss all over herself.

What the fuck is that? We can’t even enjoy ourselves to the utmost without either losing our life-giving breath, or pissing ourselves. What is wrong with this picture?

There is always something that I see that isn’t nice… it’s something to get over… some obstacle. Ganesh – the Hindu elephant – is said to be the god of obstacles. Well, that fucker is sitting right on top of everything and he’s not moving. He’s the elephant in the fucking room… but he’s the one at school sitting on your head, as you drive, at karate practice, while you watch TV and let someone program your mind. That fucker is everywhere – literally.

Thing is – the god of obstacles was created by the god that made the game. The god of obstacles is just part of the game that already was.

I have no idea what god is – but, I hold it accountable for everything. Sure we have some limited power of choice, but you know as clearly as I do that if god made the game – god gave you all your wants, needs, emotional range and possibilities, likes, habits, physical, mental faculties… the great big fucking ball of whacks. We are limited to choose – only within the confines of what we have been given. Some of us were given fast minds, resourceful minds…

Others of us buy ferrets as pets which promptly eat 7 fingers off our newborn in the room next to ours.

Life is the ultimate unfairness. There aren’t two people on the face of this spinning ball of blue shit that are equal. Not even two…

What kind of god does that?

Someday I’m going to find out… or not.

Probably the ultimate fookyou from god is that we never find out who is responsible for this global clusterfuck.

Yeah, I think that sounds like god’s style… I’d bet money on it.


Cheers, and don’t worry about not being manic much – I don’t know what the word means anymore.